The previous two articles direct what not to do when attending a death as a hospice social worker. This is more important than knowing what to do. Keeping your ego in check and avoiding rigid agendas free your mind up to do social work, which you know how to do. Now that you’re confident you can ward off these two pitfalls, I’ll share some thoughts on some specific actions that will make your presence a supportive one to those who are grieving.
Call the funeral home
You are the sensitive and intuitive member of your team and therefore the best person to coordinate the funeral home’s arrival time. You can develop your own approach according to what works for your team, but I’ll share the steps I take.
I call the funeral home to give them a heads up while I’m on the way to the patient’s home. I tell them that the family isn’t ready yet, but they probably will be soon. This can reduce the amount of time it takes them to arrive after the family indicates they’re ready. Once the nurse and/or law enforcement have cleared the remains for pick up, I ask the family if they are ready. I call the funeral home and let the family know how soon they are likely to arrive.
When the funeral director arrives, I make sure the family is ready before he jumps in. Many funeral home directors are professional and tactful, but some are dumb as nails and need to be handheld through interacting with the family. When I see the director has arrived, I’ll meet him and ask him to wait a minute. After I’m sure the family is ready, I will escort him to their side and facilitate an introduction.
Micro-level professional boundaries
There are symbols of familiarity that are inappropriate in professional situations. “A clown never lets the audience see him eat,” a mentor told me when I was working as a festival performer. I believe the reason he said this was not so I would go hungry, but so I give the audience the benefit of only seeing “clown” when they saw me, without having to integrate that reality with the perception that I’m a person.
Social workers are people who, just like everyone else, get hungry, thirsty, bored and tired. Set all those aside when attending a death. Mourners will feel more comfortable if you treat the environment and occasion as if there’s something significant about it. Don’t snack, even if you are invited to have some food along with the friends and family in attendance. You’re not friends and family. Don’t sit around looking at Facebook on your phone. If you have an opportunity to pass the time on social media because no one needs anything from you, then why are you there? You are there to pay compassionate attention to people who are intensely hurting. You don’t want to be uptight or add intensity, but you also don’t want to treat it like a casual occasion.
Help with everything
Once you’ve spent some time holding space and called the funeral home, pour everyone a glass of water. If dishes are piled high in the sink, clean their dishes if you don’t think it would offend the family. Run to the store and get a platter of danishes or sandwhiches if a legion of relatives is on their way and there isn’t any food. If a family member begins to clean out their loved one’s room, express willingness to help.
Say, “I’d like to help you with this.” Don’t ask, “would you like me to?” because that would pressure them to think at a time when they are probably trying not to think.
Use your intuition
The real reason not to do the things I warn against in previous posts is that they stymie your intuition. Only your inner voice really knows what steps you should take in the absence of explicit requests. Your intuition will tell you whether you should help clean out a room and whether you should stay for hours after the funeral home has come, or make your visit extremely short.
Heal
Your intuition is at its best when you are open and vulnerable. Remaining open and vulnerable as you frequently attend deaths requires some healing and maturing.
Be willing to feel. During your visit, know that you will spend time attending to your unresolved hurt afterward, and be sure that you do. Many hospice workers attend deaths with facades of compassion, which is a shield, instead of authentic compassion, which is vulnerable.
One nurse dealt with the intensity of grieving homes by telling lighthearted quips. They were not rude, but they did communicate that she was not comfortable with the emotion being expressed. Another nurse would struggle through death visits to keep herself from breaking down. Both of these are examples of protecting yourself from the experience, instead of being present with it. You owe it to everyone, especially yourself, to be present for these powerful experiences.
Spread the word
If you believe these are important messages for our fellow hospice workers, please share links to these articles on social media. Thank you! See you back on Thursday!