The previous article discussed the prerequisite to being there. And now that we’re there, let’s dive into how to be when we’re there.
You want to be authentically vulnerable and purposefully secure: at the same time.
It’s easier to be either of these than both of them at the same time. One colleague I had protected herself from uncomfortable feelings in a room full of grieving family members by sharing lighthearted quips. Perhaps she believed that lightening the mood was what the family needed. This isn’t a great strategy. Grievers deserve to have their feelings validated, and not dismissed.
Be vulnerable
Being vulnerable to the emotion in the room validates the emotions people have. We know the feelings are valid because we feel them, too, even if not to the same degree as we would if it was our own family member who had just passed away. Instead of using one of the many human strategies for dismissing emotional experience, it is good for us to be there in the emotion with them. Good for us to let ourselves cry a little, if we feel we need to. It’s good to reflect openly (a little) on our own loss, if we had a connection to the patient.
A little! Our own emotional experience helps us in our supportive connections with the people we serve only when it doesn’t distract us from the reason we’re there. One extremely sensitive colleague I once had was quite the opposite of the colleague I mentioned previously. She once approached the edge of anxiously breaking down when the unusual position of a deceased patient got her thinking something wasn’t right about his death. Her face showed the kind of distress that would be disconcerting to family members; fortunately she was willing to receive that feedback and take a walk around.
Be secure
A secure relationship with our vulnerability will allow us to experience it while also maintaining professionalism. We feel fear, but we are not afraid of our fear itself. We feel sadness, but we are not sad about being sad. This can be developed through good reflection: counseling, journaling, meditating, or whatever you prefer.
Another element of this is keeping the reason you are there at the forefront of your mind. It’s not about us. It’s not about us. It’s not about us. Until we leave the family’s home. Then it’s good to spend some time entirely focused on how we’ve been affected.
Join the club!